On Sunday it was day four of Covid quarantine and I was officially bored. I baked cookies, and I don’t bake, it is that desperate. I am used to working, I like working. I want to keep creating and connecting.
There is one creation that I have been avoiding, happy to stay disconnected.
In June I spent two days in the studio recording the audiobook version of my memoir, A Series of Surrenders. I thought reading the book would be hard and triggering. It wasn’t. But, listening to myself read the book for editing purposes IS HARD. Hearing my voice tell me exactly what happened is like pulling the memories from all corners of my mind, heart, and body.
Until Sunday I was able to only listen to and edit Part One of the book. Part Two is titled, In the Company of a Sage, it begins with Sage’s birth and ends with his death. For obvious reasons I have procrastinated and denied the weeks away and have not clicked PLAY on part two.
On Sunday I woke early before dawn and the quiet dark hour whispered, “Today you will listen.”
I further pushed the envelope of procrastination and set to task on all the other things to do other than listen. In my flurry of denial tasks, I ended up deep in a cupboard full of ‘stuff”. I came upon a small bag filled with USB sticks. I forgot I had these! I threw them on the bed and carried on.
By lunchtime I was ready. I sat with a cup of tea and pushed PLAY on my past chapters that were now playing out directly in my ears. I sat and listened. I cried. I smiled. I fell in love with Sage again. It was as I had imagined it would be, HARD, and it was also so lovely to be in the company of Sage again.
As the day ended I surrendered early to my bed. And my bed had a gift for me! The USB sticks. Rather than throw them back in the cupboard I decided to rev up the laptop to discover what was on them. I plug in the first stick and it opens many folders, mostly past work projects, except one. One folder is titled, FAMILY. I open the folder to discover photos from years ago, a nice surprise. Beyond the photos, there is a MOVIE File with no title.
I click on the file and SAGE pops up on my screen.
After spending a day with Sage in memory and narrative it was awe-inspiring to see his little body moving and alive. The video was taken by my sister Heather and it is of Sage doing a dance performance for his aunties. I had completely forgotten the video existed! Sage is in full flow and my sisters are in full laughter.
After delighting in the video more than once I settled into the wonder of finding that video in the exact moment I needed it.
I saw the threads that had been woven.
Those USB sticks have been in the cupboard for a long time. I forgot they were even there. Is it simply a coincidence that I lay my hands on them the day that I NEED to see Sage? I think not!
My mind began to weave the threads into a tapestry.
The universe at play…weaving for me…prompting me to listen…nudging me to dig deep in the cupboard…suggesting I keep them close…holding them in the covers until I was ready and needed my reward and affirmation…the threads of light being twisted and woven to create the perfect web for me.
And, who was leading and weaving? Me, or Sage, or Angels? Or perhaps we are all weaving together!
As I settled into sleep on Sunday, I relaxed into the web of love that I know is always there supporting me. I wished to remember the web, especially on the days that feel hard. For I know, the web is always there and I sometimes forget that I can ease back and let go, I sometimes forget that I am held. And, so are you.
I marvel at the wonders of our world, the seen and the unseen. There are so many threads weaving constantly and most of them we are unaware of. There are so many holding the threads for us, weaving and layering in the wonders of our worlds. If only my eyes could see the threads…what a sight that would be! For now, I take delight in the sight of my son dancing and in the reminder that in this life we are held.